And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
