Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
