It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
