Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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