The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
