i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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