After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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