Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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