The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
