so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
