Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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