all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
