i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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