i think i have two assholes
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
