Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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