Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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