Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
