can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
