when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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