Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
