Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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