Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My breasts were aching with rage.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
