Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
