And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
