I want to have your abortion
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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