Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
