So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
