Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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