tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
