Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
