if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
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She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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