Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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