who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
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Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
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Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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