tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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