my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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