Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
