She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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