You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
