She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
