I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
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