I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
