Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
