That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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