I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
