were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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