everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
