I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
