I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
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Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
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The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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