the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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