Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
