dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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