I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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