My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
