You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
