Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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