so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
