I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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