Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
