Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
