An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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