The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
