i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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