I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
