you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
